Truth, Lies, Exaggeration and Fiction.

© 1998 Dark Dream

8.45am... Garbage truck Woke me up What the fuck Stupid fat fuck Garbage truck Full of muck Intestines and guts Shut the fuck up Out Patient... Got to go - Go where? Got to... go on living - yes it's a beautiful day But its raining - At least your still breathing But I'm still bleeding - I'll take care of you No thanks Not missing in action... Today I phoned an old friend I haven't seen for over a year. He was cool. We exchanged some ideas and made plan's to meet in the future. I hate losing people. Your right to choose... I had my Will witnessed today. Don't worry, I don't have much to leave anyone. Its just to make sure no religious idiot talks shit over my dead body. For some this could be a perfect day... Your woken by a sound beating. Large batons smash your body to the verge of unconsciousness. Dragged out into the cold by a rope around your neck. Thrown into a freezing bath of urine and vomit. Large objects inserted into your anus. Eyes swell up, you can no longer see. Blood runs from your mouth, nose and ears. One by one your fingers are removed, then your toes and teeth. Thrown into a scolding bath followed again by a freezing one. Pushed into a deep pit filled with dead and dying family and neighbours, left to rot. You should have joined the fourth reich and you might still be alive today. Logic n. Philosophy... 1. The study of the principals of reasoning. 2. A system of reasoning. 3. Valid reasoning as distinguished from invalid or irrational argument. This is the sound of your hopes being crushed... Last weekend I decided to go out to a club with some friends. I saw a nice girl looking over and plucked up the courage to go and talk to her. After a few minutes this guy butts in and gives me a mouthful of shit about trying to fuck his girlfriend. We had a small fight which got broken up quickly. The asshole broke my glasses which cost me £60 to get fixed. I could have had a fuck, a blow job and have change for a curry for that amount of money. Next time I'm not gonna say shit to any bitch. Stepping stone... A few years ago a close friend of mine broke up with a girl he'd been seeing for nearly three years. She didn't want to lose all her friends so hung out with me which made me feel a little uncomfortable. As time went by she tried to get a little too close and I backed away. I liked her a lot but felt guilty cos she was my friends ex-girl y'know. So the band I'm in do this local show and at the end of the night she goes off with the bass player of the support band. I never see her again. Bad acting... I met this girl through a group of friends of my older brother. She was nice to me and we went on a date. Afterwards I introduced her to some of my friends. I thought I'd play it cool and after a week I phoned her to see if she wanted to come round to see me. She told me she was going out with one of my friends now and she was real sorry. Out at the deep end... Me and my friends used to go swimming on an evening after school. One of them invited two girls along once. They were playing stupid games in the pool. One girl swims over to me real close and I feel my shorts pulled forward and her other hand grabs my dick. No one had ever done that before. It felt so good I didn't want her to stop. She's looking at me and smiling. Then swims away shouting at the top of her voice "He's got the smallest one of them all." They all take the piss for the next few weeks. I hate that girl even today. Cheap trick... When I was young, maybe about 9 years old, I was asked to go out with this new girl at school. She was nice and everyone was jealous. She left a note in my class drawer which read "Meet me in the field after school if you want to kiss me." This had never happened to me before and I got really excited. When I turned up there she was stood with two other girls who were giggling in the background. She just came up and said "I don't want to go out with you really, I just wondered if you would turn up." They all walked away laughing. The next day I was tosser of the class, tosser of the year even. I never trusted another girl 'till I was 19 years old. New boy... I'd never been to playschool before. This was a birthday invitation. I was terrified. I think I must have only been three years old at the time. My older brother was four and-a-half and had been attending this weird place for a while now. He knew all the other kids and teachers. I just stood on my own watching everything going on around me. Tantrums, crying, shouting, jelly eating, strange games in which people line up for a kiss from the girl whose birthday it is. I'd never seen an African before, never mind kissed one. So I'm standing in line behind my older brother scared out of my mind by anyone who said boo hoo. Next thing I see my brother kissing the African girl and give her a present. I'm then pushed up to her for my go. All the teachers and mothers are stood watching and laughing. I can see she doesn't like me, maybe I was too small or young or something. Anyway, I'm forced to kiss her on the cheek and go back to standing on my own. I recognise now it was the first time I ever felt alienated. The first time I wanted to run away and hide. Can someone please start a war... I hate TV. Its so full of shit. It's the most unnatural thing in my life. There is never anything worth watching, and if there was, it would be at a time when its convenient for others, not me. I had a pretty good thought. If there was a war then that would be something worth watching. I mean, the news is on all the fucking time, and its all bullshit. So you might as well see people killing people in the vein hope that they might take a few TV stations with them. Cool. Guns 'R Us... That fucking bright light is shining through my window again. I can't sleep with it on. Stupid assholes left it on all night again. One night when I'm drunk, I'm gonna try and shoot it with my rifle. That should fix it. I guess I missed the whole point... I wanted to do so much with my life but I just realised I never did shit. I should have gone out and got me a low paid dead end job, got myself a real shit hole to live in, got myself a TV and video, got myself a stupid bitch woman, got her to have one or two little wasters like myself, got into real debt with the bank, got a bad drinking habit, beat the living shit out of myself, beat the living daylights out of that bitch, gone to jail, got fucked in the ass, got a real bad attitude, got a drug problem, got some respect, got everything. People might have said I did something with my life, instead of saying I was a lazy freak, a no good black sheep. I guess I missed the whole fucking point of MY life. A list of truths... 1. You will Die. Government Perfection... I passed all my exams, went on to college, did really well. I got this high paid job designing weapons for the government. Kills people real easy. No fuss. My family are so well off these days that they have nothing to worry about when I'm gone. They can live a comfortable life with the things I'm leaving them behind. The company pension has made it all worth while. An eye for an eye... Drug dealer jailed for 2 years. The shit he was dealing destroyed more than a handful of lives, even killed a young girl. Education is the only way to help him in the future. Local hero... I thought I'd been around until I looked at a map. You... Want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, need, want, etc... Born again Christian... Let her free, she's done her time. She's not the same person she was all them years ago. She's learn't her lesson. Free Hindley!!! I bet you've never heard the tapes she made of her and Ian killing those kids. Mission Impossible... He was a big fish in a little pond. Now he's a dead fish flushed down the toilet. New age Satan... The only reason television is going digital is so its more interactive. Yeah, you see, it's a two way thing in the future. They can watch you while you watch a load of shit. They can also line you up OUTSIDE the bank in the rain and cold so they can check where you are and how much money your spending. With the help of computers, the beast will be able to control every person on the globe. Ignorance is the killer... Take seven little blue bottle flies. One for each day of the week. Monday: One gets eaten by the spider, Tuesday: One gets sprayed with toxic bug spray, Wednesday: One gets squashed by a newspaper, Thursday: One gets trapped in a microwave oven, Friday: One splats on a car windscreen, Saturday: One gets swallowed by a curious cat and on Sunday: The last One drinks some of Freddy Mercury's blood. Which one would you choose to be. I hate Computers... Its my own fault. At the age of 18 I was still immature and needed some time wasting stimulation. I was bored with my artistic output of painting, music and writing, and masturbation wasn't the full time hobby that most young men would have loved it to be. So I innocently bought my first computer games console. I was hooked. A few years later I moved on to more sophisticated models but steadily began to realise my art had suffered unrepearable damage. I'd slowly lost my talent through wasted time and I'd never even noticed. Stolen by bits... bytes... bullshit. Life For Sale... Don't buy it. Don't try it. Don't want it. Don't need it. Don't long for it. Don't fall for it. Don't watch it. Don't listen to it. Don't play it. Don't speak it. Don't like it. Don't enjoy it. Don't love it. Don't hate it. Don't feel it. Don't feed it. Don't fight it. Don't fuck with it. Don't touch it. Don't live it. Don't sleep with it. Don't live it. Don't kill it. Don't sell it. Don't push it. Don't worry about it. Don't do it. Trapped on Earth... There is always a quick and easy way out. Fucking kill yourself! Wanna be a rock and roll star... You made it. Just keep going. Everyone loves what you do. They want to hear more. Man, its too fucking important to mess up now. There's a lot of money involved. Its your Career for Jimi H. Christ. Play that song one more time so we can all sing along. You're the best. Spastic Tax... The lottery reams more and more of your hard earned wage every week you're alive. The chances of winning are so large there's more chance of something really interesting happening in your dull little existance. You seem to think you'll be better off surrounded by large amounts of cash. Shit, you can't even manage £1 properly, never mind £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,00. Instead on finding a better way of living as you are, you think you'd be happier knowing you won and lost it all in grand style. Sorry... I had a toy which looked exactly like this girl I saw in a night club. The following week I decided to take the figure with me so I could show it to her, but when I saw her she had been in a bad car accident and all her face was mangled up. When I felt for the toy in my pocket it was gone. I must have dropped it somewhere. On my way home afterwards I found it outside my house all crushed and trampled. I never saw her again. Its NOT your Personal choice... I love cigarettes. Its the funniest modern con man has invented. You got addicted while still too young to realise it made you stink like crap. You thought you looked cool. They charged you a ton of money for most of your life and killed some of your dumb friends too. The warning says it in big letters on the side of the packet, but you can't read it cos your too fucking cool and free. Hey, your not going anywhere, you wasted all your money which could have got you out of this shit tip. You burnt it. You smoked it. So don't let me hear any of that "Its my choice" bullshit, cos you never had a choice. You had your choice made for you by people who are richer and far more clever than you could ever imagine. Money spinner... Stop brushing your teeth, eventually they will all drop out and when your old you'll be able to give better blow jobs. The way inflation is going you could charge £350 per go. Good luck. Just give up... There's a loud banging at the door. Fuck its three in the morning. You look out of the window, its her again, little miss shit head. You can try and ignore the banging or go down and kick the living day lights out of her. Are you gonna answer the door or what. She's high as usual you know. She never listens to you anyway. Why would she, you never hit her harder than her father managed to. He was the only man that ever had any impression on her. Hell, he even made her come more times than you. You useless piece of shit. You loser. You lowlife. Look, just Kill her. Let her in and kill the bitch. No one will ever know. You could be back to sleep by 3.30 no problem. I have no idea where I'm going... See them on the streets. Its frightening. I hate seeing them. They make me feel like shit. Bust your head up for a bit of spare change they would. How many times can your head take a beating before things change around here. They are not going anywhere. Neither am I. The TV's on but no ones home... Your weird - Oh yeah Yeah. All that morbid shit hanging on your walls - You don't know what the fuck your talking about All them pictures of skulls and blood. Why? - You watch the News at 6 don't you Of course I do. Everyone does. So what. - You must be the one who's morbid. There's more dead things on one fucking program than I could ever hang on my walls. Your still weird - whatever It's our invisible god... You've seen it so often you don't even notice sometimes. There's never been any reason to question any of it. I mean, you've read the parts you like, you've heard people talk of parts that you have yet to discover. It speaks the undeniable truth, you would never consider it to be all lies. C'mon, its got to be true. You should never question such a thing, its too big, too real, too good, too easy. What else could there be if its not true. I mean, who would lie about our History. All History. Rush hour help... Excuse me officer, Could you tell me which way Penn station on 33rd street is? - That's the wrong way, and you'll get killed if you go that way Oh... Thanks officer - Your welcome Your in the wrong business... So you think your it. Your famous. Your rich. Your fucking it man. Mr. fucking 1999. You got everything. You'll be history. Immortal. Even my girlfriend loves you. Don't be such a fool. Ten years from now no one will give a flying fuck what you did. Only sick fucks like Adolf Hitler will be remembered forever and he never made any shit records aimed at 13 year old girls. Get a fucking life, you dumb ass idiot. Oh, by the way, even Hitler had a girlfriend. Fuck off. Armour Piercing Bullets... Why are you ringing me again. I told you to leave me alone. I need time to think. I need time to be on my own. No. Things won't work out. Its all too late for that. No. No. There's nothing wrong with you, I just don't want to see you anymore, and we can't be friends cos he won't like it. He gets jealous. I've got to go now, I'm getting ready to go out. Goodbye! See you in Hell... They have all done things which no one can know. They are all guilty of something illegal, horrible, despicable. Things which would make even a billy goat puke. One things for sure, the truth always comes out in the end. Suicide Solution... What's the lowest form of life you know? A slug? A worm? A male ballet dancer? A dolite? A wife beater? A child molesting Priest? Which would you have killed first. C'mon, don't be shy, surprise me. Mummy will be proud if you make the right choice. Take your time. Infact, if you get it wrong I'll let you choose again, cos I like you. I've always thought you had a healthy future ahead of you. Brick wall... Would you like to dance - I can't dance Would you like me to buy you a drink - I don't drink Can I introduce you to my friends - No, its OK. I have to leave now Would you like me to walk you home - Please, just leave me alone But the streets are pretty bad around here - I can look after myself Will you be coming here again next week - I hope not I'd like to meet up with you sometime - I'm too busy this week We could go to see a movie - I hate films. Plus I don't have any money Its ok, I'll pay - I said no thanks OK. Maybe I'll see you around - Maybe Cannibals... I gonna remake the seventies film "Soylent Green." Y'know, the one with Charlton Heston. Only this new ones gonna be better. Ronald Mcdonald is the big guy this time. He eats young kids in cheese burgers while their mothers suck his dick. Manchester or Gatwick... The first thing I do when I get some money is get the fuck out of here. I need a break from it all. I wouldn't be missing much if I never came back and no one would really miss me being around. I wish I had tons of money. I'd be gone first thing tomorrow. Just leave a note and any money I owe and it would be sorted. I wonder if she would like to come with me. No, bad idea. I prefer travelling alone anyway. You meet more people that way, get to know and learn things quicker. Hardcore Hero Government 2001... Jello Biafra - Money Ian Mackaye - Education Glenn Danzig - Arts H.R. - Welfare Kim Gordon - Health Henry Rollins - Military Greg Graffin - Environment How to lose friends and influence no one... I'm lying in bed with her again I want to stay here to the dying end I think all she needs is me To think like that is insanity She don't know what she needs Cuts herself to watch it bleed She says I can't stay anymore But always stops me before I reach the door A situation where I can only loose I'm fucked what ever way I choose I'm totally happy and totally lost I could be with her but at what cost Got no friends, got no life I know she will never be my wife Only one thing left to do Blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah I'll survive... Stay out of trouble with the law... Don't owe any money to friends... Keep an active imagination when it comes to sex. Over and out. Job finder... - What do you want to do when you leave school David? OK, First I'm gonna get this young girl. Take her to the graveyard and fuck her on our family tomb. Yeah! Then I want to desecrate as many head stones as possible, preferably ones with crosses. Then I'm gonna burn down at least eight churches. Then I'm gonna kill a queer, stab him to death. Then I'm gonna kill the biggest drug dealer I can find and blame it on some Asian guys who live near me. - Right, that's fine. Erm, have you ever considered joining the Army? Long live G.G.Allin... Once, my band went on tour. It was supposed to last for a month but every night we never got to play anything. We kept getting beaten up by the audience who were always shouting Faggots, puffs, gay boys. It hurt real bad when we had to go home after only three gigs. We decided to quit music after that. I mean, what do you expect from a band fronted by Jon bon Jovi. 25.12.2000... Wake up - Masturbate Stand up - Drink Sit down - Eat Lie down - Forget Stand up - Drink Watch TV - Forget Stand up - Urinate Sit down - Drink Lie down - Forget Answer phone - Lie Sit down - Masturbate Answer door - Pretend Sit down - Drink Lie down - Forget It's not my mess... 10.30 Sunday morning, walking home still drunk. Suddenly this young boy on a bike rides up to me shouting "Its still alive, Its still moving." I've got no idea what he's going on about, but as I turn the corner at the bottom of the street I see cars swerving around something in the road. As I approach the kid on the bike over takes me and stops to point at what I now make out to be a large cat. "Look, Its still alive", he shouts to me. I get closer and this cats been hit bad by a car right over its neck. Eyes are sticking maybe three inches out of the sockets, and blood running from its mouth. It didn't look alive to me but this kid says its still moving. I felt like puking. Drivers are having to go right over to the other lane to avoid messing up their clean cars. No one is willing to stop and move it. I wish someone would just run over it to finnish off the poor little bastard. When I returned that evening it was gone. Help... How come every time I sit down on the toilet the phone rings? It's got so bad I take it in the bathroom with me. Only problem with this idea is you get halfway through and it rings and it's for someone else in the house. Mission 138... Now scientists have found water on the moon they can start making moon beer. Wonder what the gravity of that would be? Darkness is light to the Devil... I enjoy being alone these days. Reminds me of years ago, when I was happy and content with the simplicity of it all. Just me, lying in bed drunk, looking at the moon and stars, listening to my favourite Christopher Young soundtrack until I fell asleep. Nobody in a world of somebodies... I have given and I know how to take I have seen some of what there is in this place Pleasure and pain have not measured equal in my life Yet I can differentiate between Love and Hate I accept Lies, contradiction, disgust, disgrace Some are for and some are against I do know the things I love very much But I can't be fooled to believe in fate Beware of answered dreams... I had a fantasy about my girlfriend sleeping with another man. She did it. She misunderstood me and thought I wanted rid of her. She ran away with someone else in the end. It still turns me on thinking about it, and have encouraged every girl I've seen since to do the same. I don't own them, and they definatley will never own me. Get rid... Living just down the street from the Kingdom hall of Jahovas witnesses was such a pain in the ass. Every other day they would be knocking on the door, posting leaflets and generally making me sick. So I decided to join the congregation for a few months before leaving in a storm. I was then eternally cast into hell and they never bothered me again. Mission accomplished. The great escape... She was such a bitch. A total asshole most of the time. If I hadn't managed to get rid of her I would have ended up killing her. She was killing me in time, that's for sure. Angel of the Dark... Its a state of mind. One which no one else can touch, see, feel, distort or destroy. Only from the outside do they see me. I roam free in my own world, a world where only the things I love survive, the rest does not even exist. Dead world... Help me They are after me I hear them Can't stop them Please stay away Its not my fault I swear It was all their idea An American werewolf in my head... It eats away at me. Eating more and more as the days go by. I crave to fill the gaps it leaves behind. I don't stand a chance. I know I won't survive much longer. They said this was the best thing ever. I can only buy more. I can only buy what the dealers can supply. When I look in the mirror it refuses to reflect my image. I refuse to let it reflect my image. I don't have any blood left. It's drained it all away. Mouth... You don't scare me. I'm so relaxed I can feel my intestines coming out of my arsehole. Go away and think about what you are. You are not what you think you are, that's for sure. Friend of a worm... Small countries use them like a big brother in a school playground. We start a fight, they finnish it. They must see us like a total pain in the ass. Not another war to be fought just for that little big mouth. Still, gives the film makers something to do in years to come. Jaws... There was this nice girl at school I used to know. When I say nice I mean easy to get on with, pleasant, you know the sort I mean. She wasn't one of the dumb girls with blonde hair and great legs who got all the tough guys. Anyway, one day she told me some guys had invited her to a party. She was the only girl invited actually, which I thought was funny. She seemed really excited. The next week I heard a rumour she had given every guy there a blow job in the toilets. They were queuing outside in a line waiting for their go. Everyone called her names, and she never talked to me much after that. No guts, no glory... I'm going to stop drinking that strong stuff. It hurts me the day after real bad. Its just that I can't talk to people when I'm not out of my mind. I'll just have to stop going out that's all. Minor threat... Once I found a 100 megaton warhead in my attic. A warning on the side said "If you let this baby go it will knock the earth off is axis and we'll all fly into the sun." I was a bit broke at the time so I sold it to some backward Arab country for £10. God knows where it is now. The war is over... To really appreciate heaven, you must first go through hell. Your nothing... I have lots of friends. I have had lots of girls. I have lots of money. I have done all the best drugs. I have lots of time. I have seen the biggest movies. I have been to the biggest cities. I kiss the biggest asses. I have never read the biggest book though, but I totally believe every word as the gospel truth and will kill for it. Its bigger and better than you. What else could be the truth. You are nothing if you don't believe. Your nothing. Three worlds... Mine. Yours. Ours. Go easy... I recognised one of the advantages of fame. People will sometimes take the chance and come over to introduce themselves and you can just pick and choose who you want to talk to. That's the easy part. When its the other way round, you just want to be cool and seen on a level so they don't hate you instantly and tell you to fuck off. It can be difficult at both ends, but at least when you have people coming to you the chances of rejection are minimised a little. Satan lives... The Pope called me on the phone today. He was pissed off with me again. He asked why I won't become a born again christian. I told him I had more important things to do and to call me back tomorrow. Better things to do... If I added up all the time that pot has wasted in my life I would be even more pissed off with it than I am now. See I've never bothered with it myself. I always saw inhaling smoke as a rather pointless pass time. It's everyone else's time wasted on it which seems to spill over in to my life. I know for a fucking fact that everytime you wanted to get up and go and my response was "Just five minutes while I sit here and do nothing bar giving everyone cancer" was the answer you would laugh in my face and just leave. No hard feelings intended. I bet you would do that the first fucking time, never mind every social occasion for the past god knows how many years. I know some will argue the point. Please, I've got better things to do. You only live once... One day I managed to clone myself. It was cool. I never knew I looked like that. I never knew I talked like that. So I dressed me and sent me out to see what would happen. I came back with an ex-girlfriend a few hours later. She was scared of us both at first, but she soon came round and enjoyed having us both. I even had sex with myself to see what it was like. Well, now I know why girls say I'm so good. I have managed to keep the clone under control and he now works in London, writing for men's magazines. Shallow roadcrew... I remember working on tour with a band once. One of the other roadies was the twin brother of the singer. Every night after the show was over we would be packing the gear away and people would come over to talk to him thinking he was the singer. 90% of the time the people would walk away as soon as he told them he was the twin. One night I was so angry the way he got treated. Four girls stood at the front shouting the twins name for autographs. He told them his brother was in the dressing room and won't come out. They all just walked away without a "How ya doing" or "Thanks, Nice to meet you anyway". I wanted to bang their heads together and tell them how stupid they act when looking for autographs. End of the world... I never saw it, it was cloudy at the time. Beware... I am a simple person I see the world as I have been taught Living for now as if there is no tomorrow But forgive me For I have sinned And life has now deserted me Fruitless temptations of the flesh Have left me all alone As I will be from now and forever Modern day Satanists... Since the dawn of time, people have looked to some kind of God to help them deal with life. Why? It is because the average person wants the security of having a loving being watching over them. In Satanism, we do not need an invisible crutch to help us get through life. We are our own Gods and we bow before none. At this time you are probably confused. Doesn't a Satanist worship the Devil? Absolutely not! Satan is an archetype which we can relate to. We Satanists are the real Devils of this world. We believe in the dark forces of nature and achievement by will. In a world of slaves, we prefer to be masters. Brainwashed loud mouths... Some people, there's no helping them. Ignorance is my best friend sometimes. I just sit there blanking it all out. There is no point in arguing with them or telling them this or that. They are dumb fucks and that's it. You can't go back in time and try to fill their heads with all the stuff the way it should be. The process has got to them first and now you have to put up with all their bullshit. Keep telling me this, telling me that. You think I've never been out of my bedroom and seen a few things. I've seen a lot of weird shit some people would not believe. So fucked up I can't remember it all straight away. It's buried under my last piece of sanity which I can hardly hold on to anymore. Do I look like God to you... Someone blew up the church on my street today. As I walked past a dismembered survivor moaned out loud and when I looked at them they had their hands clasped together praying. I didn't do anything to help. I'm not their God. Flattery got her nowhere... I met this girl one night who was introduced to me by a friend. He had already told her I wrote for porn mags so the conversation was weird from the start: - Your not going to write about me in a story if I talk to you are you? No. what's your name? - See, you are going to write about me. I'm not telling you It doesn't work like that. Most of that shits made up - I bet you want to fuck me and write about it don't you I don't need to research what a one night stand goes like - I'd better stop talking to you or I'll end up being called a slag Don't be silly. Who by, your boyfriend? - There you go, prying. I bet you want to know what I'm like in bed Get serious. I told you its just out of my imagination. Fantasy - Well I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't slept with anyone for 6 months Why not? - Cause I don't want to. So you can't write anything about me I wasn't going to anyway - Don't you talk about anything else but sex Goodbye. I can't heal... I want to hide. Got to get away. Dig a deep hole and just cover it up so no one can find me. All people want is to hurt me. Use me. Abuse me. Take, take, take. One day I won't be here and then they will have to suck the blood of someone else. I'm amazed I haven't killed them all yet. Familiar feeling... I was laid in bed last night, on my own in the dark and silence. A thought began to creep into my mind. I suddenly realised that no matter what I do in life, good, bad or whatever, I would never escape those last few moments of my life when I will pass away. It became so real, so focused, so daunting that I had to get out of bed and turn on the light to calm down. I became really tense and scared. Like the feeling of being on the biggest roller coaster in the world, and when you reach the top and there's just the inevitable huge drop, your muscles relax and your stomach feels like its gonna come out of your mouth. I hate that. Problem is, it will happen one day. I will feel it again. The true nature of modern evil... It's green but doesn't grow on trees. She could be famous... I've made secret porn films of all the girls I've slept with over the years. Last week I released the best on a three hour video which is on sale now for £10.99. Good models... You don't live on Earth really. That's just a tall story made up to confuse you. Your life is confined to a huge warehouse which is filled with very highly complex computers. All the images around you are not real. You just move around in one big virtual image on a special tread mill. Most of the things you see are just models made into 3-D images by the computers. All the people you come into contact with are actors wearing masks. There are only twenty or so agents who "Dress up" to trick you inside the virtual world. The rest is not real. Burning... I'm hungry but I should be full I'm awake but I should be asleep I'm happy but I should be sad I'm alive but I should be dead I'm moving but I should be still I'm coming but I should be going I'm loud but I should be quiet I'm me but I should be lost Best actor award... Nice with everyone. Never said anything against anyone. Never tried to upset nobody. Always tried to fit in and have fun. Sat alone in his room, he cleans his gun with expertise. His target is you. One day he'll load it up and blow your brains all over the street. You should have left him alone that day when you pushed it too far. Laughing and showing off to the others at his expense. Your future dog meat. Who will be laughing then. Just watch it. No thanks... When I eat flora margarine I can taste Diana. Yuk. Suffering in preparation for the life to follow... Horrible upbringing, beaten regularly at home, picked on at catholic school, worked hard until retirement, nasty wife, abused kids ran away from home, crucified for everyone else's sins. Good. Nice to meet you... I met an old friend in a club who was the drummer of a famous rock band. He works for MTV now. Anyway, we were drinking and catching up on old times and as I said goodbye his girlfriend grabbed my arm, which was around his shoulder, and flung it off him as though I was dirt. She must have thought I was a pest fan of the band bugging him for an autograph or something. Oh well, she'll be all alone one day and I'll still be able to say hello to my old mate as many times as I like. Silly cow. Hard work... Is it true that when you take LSD you see things for what they really are? Cos all I noticed while on it was that people get up very early in the morning to do all their jobs wrong. How strange. Blood trail... Someone shot me bad on the way home last night. I'd just robbed them of their money and the fucker shot me in the stomach. There was blood squirting everywhere. So to try and confuse the pigs I walked around town so that the trail wouldn't lead them to my house. Trouble was I passed out only yards from my door. When they did follow the trail it took them on such a long route I was dead when they finally found me. I was better off dead anyway. Play the game... The happiest day of my life was when I got my first big film contract. My agent never really told me about the part, but when I discovered it was a gay porn film in which I had to suck the dicks of all hollywood's biggest stars I quit and got a straight job instead. I think my agent offered the part out to Quentin Tarentino and it was a massive hit. Growing up fast... One, two, three Ready, steady, go Load, aim, fire Cliff, jump, splat. Nice ending... The ozone heals up No more world disasters There's world peace and love No more hunger No more unemployment Everyone wins the lottery All get to go on holiday Its a hot summer and it snows in winter People don't hunt fox's anymore Prices of everything goes down People live to be 200 The meteorite of year 2028 hits and we suddenly become extinct The end. Don't fit in... Pop, Jazz, Industrial, Classical, Dance, Death Metal, Garage, Techno, Folk, Country, House, Bhangra, Glam Rock, Trip-hop, Punk, Ethnic, Doom, Disco, Rockabilly, Hardcore, Blues, Grunge, Hip-hop, Black Metal, Dub, Psychedelic, Gothic, Easy Listening, AOR, Drum and Bass, Reggae, Grindcore, Rap, Acid House, Stoner Rock, Gabba, Indie, Old School, New Wave, Rock 'n Roll, Funk, Speed Garage, Trance, R&B, Ska, Thrash, Psychobilly, Electronic Dub, Jungle, Big Beat, Dancehall, Skiffle, Flamenco, New Classic Soul, Avant Garde, Brit Pop, 2 Tone, Mersey Beat, Rare Groove, Baggy, Opera, Ambient,Ragga, Hi Energy, New Romantic, Soul, Heavy Metal, World Music, Drill & Bass, Keiledh, Brass, Happy Hardcore, Speed Metal, Oi, Chamber Music, Northern Soul, Electronica, Big Band, Experimental, New Age, Lo-Fi, Salsa, Mod, and New Classic Soul. Roll the dice... I'm ready. I know I can take it. I want her so much. I'm gonna take her in my arms and never let her go. But what if she's not there. What if she doesn't show up tonight. I don't want this to be all wasted effort. Again. I just hope she's there. The 7 modern day sins... Stupidity - Ignorance is one thing, but society thrives increasingly on stupidity. Pretentiousness - Everyone thinks they are so big, whether they can come up with the goods or not. Lack of Aesthetics - No one makes money out of Aesthetics, so it is discouraged in our consumer society. Herd Conformity - Only fools follow the herd, letting an impersonal entity dictate to them. Forgetting Past Orthodoxies - Forget the old so they can repackage and present the same things as 'new'. Counterproductive Pride - Don't be afraid to say sorry when you need to. Solipsism - "Do unto others as they do unto you". No one is equal, so don't let people know more about you than they need to, some won't ever be able to simply understand you. Treat them as they treat you. Life... I've noticed... You can control only 2% of your life, and many give this up cause they can't even be bothered. Look at it like this: Your life is a long pipe, and you are a ball rolling through it. The gap on either side of the ball is only very slight. Just a few millimetres. If it rolls one way, you take one set of pipes, if it rolls the other way, you take a different set of pipes. You can only influence the ball very slightly, left or right, the rest is controlled by the impetus of the balls motion. So even though your actions are very small, you can and should be able to choose your path in life, regardless of the constraints put on you by everything else around you. The trick is not to lose control of your 2% of life. I've seen people who have given up, who don't care anymore. They are the lost causes of this world. Meat head... I became a vegetarian for a while until one day I noticed my shit was coming out green. It was only then I realised I was virtually a vegetable myself. Scary feelings... I get flashes of knifes. Big white bursts in front of my eyes. I'll just be sat talking or whatever, and boom! I see the long shinning blade right in front of me. Sometimes it can be small, a bowie knife maybe, sometimes big like that of the samurai. A mixed feeling of murder and self mutilation washes over me. Like an act of evil is calling. Angst and anger brings them to my eyes. Wonder what it can mean. I hope its not dangerous to my health or anything. Ha... I never get jealous of guys talking to my girlfriend anymore. If she thinks they can do better than me, go for it. I'm not threatened by any of them. I know I'm the best fuck she'll ever have. There goes my virginity at 17... It's late. Crappy Christmas party at a friends house. Not many people left. Either gone home already or been kicked out for acting like the assholes that they are. I'm really drunk. So is every fucker else who's staying over. She's nice. A dancer or something. Just stripped off in front of me. Its obvious someone's going to fuck her tonight. I never thought it would have to be me. 777... Oh, cou'd ye be here to see the stars and the true vastness of things, ye wou'd realise only dang'r. Do not believe what they tell, Our worke here is only important as that of any oth'r graine of dust. Monster... I remember walking home on my own one night and I came across this shop that had been bust up and burgled. I was totally out of my mind, staggering about. There were no alarms going off and there's no one around at five in the morning. So I just strolled right in and helped myself to a bit of this and that. A car radio and some other shit stuff. When I got to the bottom of my street I heard a car coming along the road. I just stood there and, no lie, it was a pig car. Went straight past the shop and turned down a road before he even saw me. I got home and called the pigs and told them what I'd found and fell asleep in the kitchen. I never heard any more about it. Gee'as a job... I'm sitting on the plane, minding my own business. Talk about fucking business. This guy next to me is doing some paper work, and the figures he's playing with are wild. $340million for this, $165million for that. I think it was chemicals or something he was working in. Must have been legit or he wouldn't have it out next to me. I even talked to him for a bit but he was really boring. Looked a little like Steven Spielberg to me. Canadian he was. The money on that paper was blowing my mind though. I mean, who are these people... he must have been stinking rich, playing around with a job like that. Filler... I just wanted to write one line to fill out and finnish off this page but couldn't come up with anything really interesting. Sorry. Late Saturday night... Bang, clatter, smash! There he goes, pissed as a fart. God knows why he thinks he can see where anything is with all the lights out. I'm guessing he's looking for the toilet. Well, I hope he is. I once watched my father, after one of those hateful sunday afternoon sessions, fall asleep in the armchair, snoring away to Led Zeppelin. He stirs, gets up and walks straight into the wall exactly opposite to the toilet door. Jesus. I never worked that out. Anyway, I just hope he's looking for the toilet cause he's walked out to the stair landing in his undies. SHIT! No! He can't think. Oh no! He is! I can hear him pushing and grunting and the trickle of piss is flowing down the stairs. Fuck, I can't face it. He'll wake everyone if I interrupt now. Fuck it. I'll just hide and pretend it never happened. Oh God, What will Kurt say, he's only had this flat a month. What's he doing now, in the other room. The lights come on but he's been ages. I'd better go check before something worse happens and someone discovers piss heads Niagara falls. What a sight. Main light blaring out even I can't focus properly. Curled up on the couch with a coat over him, shivering. "Oi!" I shout. He jumps, wide eyed, out of his sleep pissing spree. "Shit, wha am a doin' in ere?" "Come on..." 100,000 hits... My websites for adult's only. Men mainly. I do my own page, photography and text. Some might say its sick. Hey, George Michael got away with quite a lot so I'm not worried. I've got one of the most popular sites on the web these days anyway. It's not just me who's into this kinda thing y'know. Clean me... I love the snow. Makes everything look so new and clean. I wish it would drop tonight. Real deep and heavy so I can walk for miles in a brand new world. It looks so beautiful and white. Fall fall fall. Please. Just for me. Inverted cross... I don't remember much about that night, but the morning after was a real nightmare. It all came flooding back when I saw the back of my car nearly touching the road. What am I gonna do, I can't lift it myself. Took three of us to get it in the boot in the first place. I had to wait 'till that evening when the guys came round for band rehearsals. I knew if I took it back to the cemetery I would have probably got caught, Knowing my luck. I just hid it in my room and no one ever found out. Well, unless I told them of course. Our numerical stamp... We are all numbers. Life's just numbers. I can't stand my birthday, or new years eve. It's a sign of the numbers going up. The changing of the numbers. That's all it is. Why can't they go the other way sometimes. Always going up. I wouldn't mind as much if everyone wasn't so fucking judgmental about them. I hate those numbers, stupid little bastards. Jesus just laughed... What will the punishment be? Blindness Deafness Speechless Sexless Diseased Eternally tortured The choice is yours. Christ... The show down. Just to think of it boggles my mind. Its a situation I would rather avoid to be honest, but the place and circle of people I live within makes it inevitable I guess. The things I could say are limitless, but all with equal consequence. Nothing. God, what bullshit. What utter bollox. It could all turn violent pretty easy, and I know for a fact it won't turn out for the better. I wish I could get away forever. Fly away and forget everything. Make a new start. Hey, its not a matter of running away, I just can tell when something can't be mended because its so badly broken. A man should always know his limitations. I, for one, can at least admit mine. Buy now, Pay forever... It's your sorry ass, what do I care if you can't take care of it. When good times go bad... How do you take control of the roller coaster of life? Up and down, up and down. It can make you sick sometimes. I hate being out of control of my own life. I've noticed over the years I've grown into a bit of a control freak, only because when someone else takes the reigns of my destiny they usually don't do Jack shit for me and nine times out of ten, fuck it up big style. This is my life and I want control of it. If I fuck it up, then so be it. I only have myself to blame. Morbid tales... I met a young boy who had a fantasy about going to his own funeral. He said the best part was watching all the girls he had ever met cry as they followed the precession up to the cemetery. He could see them all stood in line, dressed from head to toe in beautiful long black gowns, sobbing for their lost love. "Why did he have to die so young?" they would cry out, "when we still loved him". One by one he would follow them home and as they slept that evening he would appear as an apparition and make love to them all. The first time I committed suicide... My life as a star was over. Burnt out and cold I now planned how I was going to spend the rest of my days in this universe. Instead of just aimlessly floating on I wanted to travel far away, like a comet, through the vastness of space and endless time. Visit distant stars and planets and undiscovered alien civilisations. I wished to experience the unknown. See things I never before thought of seeing. Live a new life I never thought possible. So, I decided that, maybe, as a ghost I could achieve what my heart truly desired, and with that, I ended it all one night, giving myself to the infinite blackness of hope. Here is the final will and testament of me... FUCK OFF! Windows 3098... As soon as Microsoft 3000 finished building the tube system to the moon, it wasn't long after they started shipping out all the water and oxygen. Eventually, Earth became a disused rock and was later made into a rubbish tip for the select few who managed to pay their way on to the new humanoid home. Don't count on it... I went to pay a visit to the local job centre the other day, just to check out the latest jobs. When I got there it had been reduced to a pile of rubble by rioting unemployed scruff bags. Soon as I got home I phoned up the agency who run the unemployment service and they told me I was part to blame for being on the dole and I wouldn't be getting any more help or money from the hard working tax payer's of this country. That evening a big police van turned up outside my house and I was arrested and put on death row. England went on to win the world cup and become the great nation it once was all those years ago. Cheesy story... When I died some of my parts were sold off for a huge profit. Problem was only my eyes were any good, and even worse, I could still see through them. Anyway, they were eventually sold to a middle aged prostitute from Birmingham who had been blind all her life. It wasn't long before .she became famous from the successful operation and I spent the rest of her sordid life looking at men's fat belly's as she sucked her way to fame and fortune. Two heads are better than one... When I left college I had great prospects. My artwork was the best the course had ever produced and I passed with the highest honours. I went for my first interview after a summer break and when I opened my portpholio loads of shit just spilled all over the bosses desk. He had me thrown out of the building by security and I threw up in the car park. Undeterred I decided to apply for the same job a few weeks later, but this time I dressed up as a woman. It took a while to prepare myself properly but I was confident I looked good and I would succeed in my clever career move. The same boss gave me the interview and he never asked to see my work this time round. All I had to do was suck him off there and then and everyday after, a work condition which I agreed to straight away. He gave me the job and my life is now back on track. I still throw up in the car park after each day, but I'll get used to it I'm sure. Confessions... Eat hearts Break necks Cut throats Boil brains Snap fingers Crush skulls Devour eyes Shred flesh Collect ears Dislocate sockets Swallow blood Spread Disease Behead kids Slice guts Infect wounds Burn skin Bury alive Chop legs Choke lungs Crack ribs Extract teeth Cook livers Saw hands Praise the lord Skeletons in space... One day I went for a very long walk. I walked for miles. So far infact that I eventually fell off the edge of the world. I soon starved to death and my remains now float on into infinity. The best always comes to he who waits... For years I paid into my pension fund at work. I never went on holidays much as to save all that for later in life. I didn't have long to go before retirement and I was looking forward to putting my feet up and taking it easy with my wife. One morning I awoke to the news that the boss of our firm, Mr. Gates, had disappeared with everyone's pension money and that I wouldn't be able to claim anything. I was laid off within two weeks. My wife left me for someone who had more security and my children stopped talking to me. I became an homeless alcoholic shit rag who ate dirt to survive. Last month I was found drowned in the river only a few hundred yards from where I was born. Oh well, better luck next time, eh. Sabotage... I once met a beautiful young girl. I asked her for a date. She said yes. I turned up on time and three big blokes were waiting for me instead. They beat me up good style. I spent a week in hospital with broken ribs and a fractured jaw. How was I to know she was only 13 years old and her dad was a convicted bank robber. The Beginning... Starting all this again... that's always been the hardest part. I mean, where does one start? Well, at the beginning I guess. That's the best place. It's also the hardest. There's been enough time to think this over, now I've just got to start living my life and going with the flow. Emptying my brain of all this shit that's gone on over the last 20 years. It's not like difficult, I just want to feel I'm ready and going to do it right. To make it good. That's all I want. The night before... Fantasies don't mean anything. Created out of hope, guilt, longing, prejudice, fear, hidden desire. Raw mind sex. No need for caution or condoms in fantasy land. The inspiration can sometimes be overwhelming. Girls... who the fuck invented them? Their parents I guess. I want to hear you scream and then I don't want to hear another sound. The bones of baby dolls... Going out with friends in a far away but familiar town. I enjoy getting away from home. There's times when I don't sleep in my own bed for over a week. There's times when I stay at home for longer than that, and I hate it. There's the need to keep moving right now, so getting out of town was a good idea. I just wanted to get drunk and be left alone. I wanted to enjoy myself. I didn't talk much the whole night and I know people got the vibes from me. Everyone was very stand off ish. I could see them in little groups, having fun and walking off on missions which I had no idea of. I was glad. I needed to look around. Observe. Check out the place and the people. Get my bearings. I was mapping the territory in my head. Blasting walls of speakers. Heaving dance floors. Dark corners with couches and tables filled with half drunk pints of lager. I can remember every thing about that place now. What a shit hole. Funny how most of my work is done in places like this. That's where fantasy came into it. Entertaining myself with thoughts that were not very entertaining for others. Private perversion and drunken mental self-mutilation. I am a low-life getting lower than the low-life I was surrounded by. I think I got there in the end. I don't find that hard at all. I must have murdered at least half of them. Only raped two or three. The rest didn't deserve to have a fantasy ending. I let them off. You must realise I was only protecting myself. Always remember your three rules of self-preservation David: "Never get in trouble with the law, don't owe your close friends money, and keep an active imagination when it comes to sex. Over and out." I was glad to get home. Take your time, and take your life... Right now I'm toying with the idea of stopping drinking. Again. It's a futile business. Ridicules in fact. Thought about this constantly for the last few years now and I've still not pulled it off. Obviously it's a love/hate relationship. I'm in the wrong fucking business for a start. About half the beer I drink is free. Just carry on until I can get a good break, that's all I need. It's not the right time for that today anyway. It's today and I know what's gonna happen. There's a simple structure to a day of rest. I'm just about recovered from last night's session and I can feel it coming on again. I could start now, right away, but I makes me sleepy during the day, so I'll wait. I have decided after tonight I will have a few days off everything so I can get some shit done and save a bit of my money. Locked away for the next three days, eating tortilla chips and watching weak porno on T.V. 'till late every night while attempting this huge feat. I want it to be really big. HUGE! 1000 pages. There might be a few cans of beer lying around, so it's not exactly a drying out period. Just take it easy until Thursday. That's the plan anyway. Thursday is the start of the weekend around here. Thank fuck for modern technology cause my brain works overtime sometimes (Diary extract dated 1st December 1998)... Spoke to ..... ...... today. Tracked her down via hers mums number. Arranged to meet soon. Also got hold of ......., left a message. Some people I've given up on recently. Not sure why. I blame them though. They make me feel bad sometimes, and other times I think well fuck them. People do change. That's a good thing gone bad. Funny how our circles of life don't cross. We never seem to meet. Never bump into each other. I'm sure they don't think much about anything at all really. Except for themselves of course. I can't knock them for that, cause the day is close where no one will give a flying fuck about them anymore. I know I won't. You find it's them who are the first to complain about this situation. Not really sure why I write about it. Love/Horror story... Everyone scrapes the bottom of the barrel every now and then. It's life. I'm sure some people love it as well. They just live for the shit. If there's none around, they create some. Shit eaters. Shit creatures. Shit heads. There's so many of them around. War of the wankers. Pity it's not real war. There's so many of them. Today... What a day. Beautiful. I look like shit. Feel weak. Slept for 11 hours and still don't want to live. Motivation. None. Energy. None. Positive out look on life. Forget it. My only enjoyment is when the phone rings. I'm hoping for some electrifying good news that will maybe break me from this tiresome state and make me want to live again. Give me the push. I need a shave. This boil on my neck is pissing me off. Not even any mail today that could get me kick started into making the most of the day. I always get up early to check the mail. If there's anything like letters, or even a package, I will have a cup of tea and deal with them and that starts the day from there, cos I'm awake then. I'm up. If there's no mail, like today, I just slope off back to bed and sleep for another 3 or more hours. What a waste of life. It's not that I'm tired. More like nothing to live for. I don't have anything to do until 2.30pm today. Hope I can make it. School Daze.... I don't go for that P.C. shit. I hate everyone. A desert Island. The only prejudice's braught to it would be that of the adults, the people who lived there. Before them there was no religion, no Gods, no system. nothing. Here it's fed into the childrens veins and they grow up to be close minded supremacists. It doesn't matter what colour the supremacists are, they exist in all colours. Braught into this world to fight and die for their elder's concepts, even though no one is directly arguing with them. Lucky for most kids they realise it's all bullshit and it washes over them. The lucky ones. I was a lucky one too. Thanks mom. Oh yes... drunk again. I love it. Fuck yeah... This is the hardest thing I do in my life. I try to write and blow my self away. Today has been a real corker. Theres some real motherfuckers out there who are the sole inspiration for me. Thanks, suckers. I won't ever forget you. I love you. You people are not like the rest. You ignite me, you make me feel alive. You contridict and point fingers, shout and blame. I love it. Come on. More. I want more. I'm not done yet. You could finish me off if you tried harder. I might leave town forever and never come back. If it wasn't for you today would have not been the same. Its been a blast. This beers for you. Joker... You know I can fool you That smile only hides the truth Why do you pretend so I should wipe that smile off your face right now Your everybodies fool You just play the game You think you know pain You know nothing Like some Poison... I dance pretty well when I'm drunk. Why is that? What is it about alcohol that splits brains in two. Jekyll and Hyde is the story. Just we are not very good actors. Small thought in the back of my mind suddenly becomes larger than life. Controlling me like a puppet. I've got to keep control tonight. Drink more. God if I drink any more I'll fucking drown. Rooms spinning. Me wishing. Wishing I was sober enough to be home in bed. Forgetting myself. I know I will forget all this. None of this is ever worth remembering anyway. Don't change... I'm almost certain, even now, that the words she was speaking would have changed my life... If only I had heard them. Entering hell... The firstborn. He was shaped, marked and in the end twisted, Forever more would white foam plague his mouth and eyes. With great wings he flew high and he could see far over the horizon. Hunger then dared to enter his mind and soon after many lay broken. Consuming even the immensely strong, fear travelled far and beyond. Still seeking his own kingdom, Still yet unnamed, he spread much evil among men. Today blood covers most of the land, and the wind carries the plague, He is yet to have his day. Obsession with bullshit... Its seven o'clock. Your nearly done for the day. Another day. Just one more thing to do before you retire. The fire is on full, slippers and relaxed clothing make you fell more "at home". You need your fix of media. Anything, you don't even ask for what they are giving, you'll take anything. Your eyes are open but no one is home. You don't even think about sex anymore. The few hours pass by. You don't even say good night. Good night. Turn it up... I can't play. I just can't do it anymore. I have no energy for that sort of outlet. Blank faces all looking for something that was never there. I could be singing about killing their family as soon as the gig is over and they still wouldn't hear me. I would have more effect on them if I just stood completely still for 45 minutes and then just said "Thanks for coming, see you next time". Maybe I'd even get a number one hit with 3 minutes of silence. I would be called "Nobody", with the hit album "Nothing" and I would play "Nowhere" to "No one". Male mail... I received a strange letter this morning. It was quite funny. It was from this guy I don't know but he's got it all wrong. You see, he must think I'm a girl, cause the letter was really dirty. Said he wanted to meet up sometime and fuck me. It was quite explicit what he wrote. It was a little embarrassing actually. Knowing this guys thoughts. I'm not planning to write back that's for sure. Bang, bang, bang... One day music will be so basic, so bland, so boring and computerised it will have been reduced to just be a steady 120 bpm banging noise. The sample of my head banging on the wall. Or butting you in the face. Or blowing your head off. Prey... Is this it? So its all been lies. Not just to me but the whole of mankind. I can feel the guilt of the innocent. They hate and will sin again. When I was young I felt only pain. My mind is now bent on blasphemy. On the cross I will commit sodomy. Your children will suffer in your kingdom come. Until you fools are rid on earth... Gone. Bluurrgg... I sold my brain to medical science for £1000. Its ok, I never used it anyway. Don't stare... Your eyes are video cameras, recording the whole of your life. When you die you go to showcase cinema heaven and have to watch the whole thing over again. In the future they might invent an editing machine so you can cut out all the crap and release a one hour video cassette of your life. Men's world... I know some men who don't even have the guts to go into a newsagents and buy themselves a pornographic magazine. Like the old woman behind the counter can picture you laid on your bed with your dick in your hand salivating over pictures of her grand daughter's shaven pussy. Are they too embarrassed to take your wanking money. I doubt it. Global Genocide Forget Heaven... I had a nightmare about the future. The world population had been reduced to a few thousand due to war, pollution and plague. Scientists had managed to revive Walt Disney from his cryogenic state and real cartoon characters walked the streets to make it seem more like the old days. Got a job... With my first wage I bought myself a samurai sword and went for some pay back. Brave new world... The government decides to legalise Dope, Crack, E, Smack, LSD, Whizz, Guns, Beef, Anal sex, Erections in porn mag's, paedophilia, Rape, and brings back corporal punishment. They ban Tobacco, Alcohol, Cars for recreational use, Religion, Mcdonalds food, Homelessness, Unemployment, leaving the country without a business purpose, having children without passing an I.Q. test, not carrying an I.D. card at all times, Walking the streets past 11.30pm and Sport. Enjoy. Paradise regained... I was walking down the street this morning and I noticed there was no one else around. No traffic or people going to work or anything. When I got to the shops they were all closed. I went back home and turned on the television but there was nothing. I called my friends and my mom but no one answered. I became confused and I began to panic. I was scared. I went back on the street and listened to total silence. I could hear birds but nothing else. I got in my car and began to drive around town looking for someone, anyone. It became dark and I drove to the highest point I could find and looked to see if there were any signs of life. Street lights and buildings were lit up as normal, but no sound or anything. Nothing. I was completely alone. The only human left on Earth. Just me. All alone. I broke down wondering where everyone had gone. The next day I filled up my car with petrol and drove to all my friends houses. Then to my parents house. Still no one to be found. I went straight to a gun shop in a neighbouring town and armed myself. Went and got a huge jeep. Went to the supermarket and stocked up on food. Got a couple of radios and a portable TV and a few porn mags and went back to the highest hill. I started a huge bonfire which I kept stocked up 'til it got dark. I set off flares which I'd got from the gun shop. I even had fire works and fired the shot gun a few times. Still Nothing. The next day I planted huge explosives in strategic places around town. When the third night came I set them off one by one. Houses, buildings, even the Church lit up the town. I had the bonfire bigger than ever. A firework display like never before. Still nothing. It was easy for me to stay alive, hoping someone might turn up. I'm still waiting. I hope to wake up tomorrow and not be the only one left. One wish... If I could do it all again... I would change everything. Sometimes you've just got to laugh or you'll cry... I've resorted to tempting fate a lot these days. When I'm waiting for a bus longer than five minutes I'll go for a piss round the corner. I can bet it comes every time. If I want to see someone then I just start talking outloud about them. They will just walk in and catch me out every time. There's never a dull moment in my life. If I stay still long enough trouble always seems to catch up with me. If I stay active too long everything will grind to a sudden halt. I'm in total control of my life. Save my world... Where did all those good times go? Where did all those good friends disappear to? What was it all for. What was it all about. All my youth I fought hard to keep my head above the water. It seems like a dream. All those times we were together just mean nothing now. Swept away by the tide of on going time. Destroyed by the sun and the moon and eternal skies full of stars. I sometimes look up and think nothings really changed. It hasn't. So where did it all go? Firestarter... I bought a flame thrower today. Only cost £199.99. Took it down to the fair ground and burnt it all down. I just got in my car and drove to the other end of town and watched the fire engines speeding past. They couldn't do a damn thing. It was the most fun I've had at the fair in years. Me... Why is it so hard to get to sleep on a night Why is it so hard to get up on a morning I'm no good at playing the game of life Well, not by their rules anyway. Today of the dead... I went outside today. Its true what they say. When all hell is full... the dead will walk the earth. Blessed are the sick... So many ships on the high seas, and I rejoice at the thought that since my birth, my ship has navigated the lesser travelled waters... this direction and my resolve to climb the mast often and survey my surroundings brings me both pleasure and disgust at once... pleasure in my own iniquity and disgust in the state of disgrace of humanity... lies, lies, all of it lies... using and taking and raping, yet conforming... how cool? I feel as though I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. When I fight I win lose and yes no - o world of contradiction, how cool? Summers always coming... I love it when things go good. I don't ask for much. I'm a big believer in karma and I stay out of trouble. I know one day its all gonna come back in a big way and we all will live happily ever after. I scored high... I sent for a I.Q. test from Mensa. I didn't do it. After reading it through I decided it was far more intelligent not to waste any of my precious life attempting to join an exclusive club of snobs looking for something to give them a common purpose in life. Plus I saved £10. C-ya. No blood on your hands... Buy 50 grams of tobacco. Boil in water. Skim the residue from the surface. You have enough lethal poison to kill two persons. Alone... Not until you experience loneliness can you truly understand real things real things such as health, friends, family, love, peace, silence cos when your surrounded, never alone you cannot conceive any of these because you don't have to not until you are alone can you know loneliness, yourself I know that... I don't ever want to go to that place I don't want to fill my head with all that shit I don't need to know any of it Its not essential to life Knowing all about what goes on Your a fool if you think I would learn something by going there Just bullshit That's all it is That's all it ever will be Nothing more Nothing less Bullshit 1993... What would you do if everyone on those TV soaps died. I mean the whole fucking story ended suddenly cause a nuclear bomb just blew them all away. You'd be fucking lost. "Oh no mummy, what should I do now with all my spare time. I've never read a book, I don't have any friends who talk much, I don't go places and see what's really going on. The last time I saw a live band was back in '93. Shit, the last time I saw real life was back in '93. Infact the last time I ever thought about what I was doing with my life was back in '93. I wish it was 1993." Get a life. Atheist crusades... I remember visiting York minster once with my family. My younger brother, who was only three at the time, goes up to one of the priests and innocently asks "Can I have a photo of God?" You can guess what the answer to that was. I could be the biggest twat of the century... I don't play the lottery but if I did these would be my numbers: 7, 11, 17, 28, 30, 44. If you see them drawn call me and we'll go out for a drink to celebrate. Grow up... I once saw a UFO. It was such an utterly boring occurrence it never affected me one bit. I go around telling people little grey men are real though, hoping a Gillian Anderson look-a-like might want to fuck me. The owners guarantee of happiness... I own lots of things, and when I pass away I'm gonna to take them all with me. My huge pile of money, my big new car, my beautiful wife, don't forget the kids, my gucci suit which lets my friends know I'm for real. Oh, and the dog. Jealousy gets you nowhere... How come your band never got signed? - I just never liked the idea of pushing the music down anyone's throat But you should have. It could have gone far. Its commercial enough. - What, like Babylon Zoo? No you idiot, its good. Better than most crap out these days - Some things are meant to be discovered by a certain type of mind. I prefer it to be like that. Underground. Your stupid. Your not jealous are you. Bitter and twisted old Dave. - I can look back and I like how things worked out. We had some good times. We never lost out on any money. We met a lot of cool people. We got respect. How can I have a problem with that. You could have been famous, and rich. I just think you should have gone for it. - Oh, right. Sorry. 5th July, World Independence day... Freedom from the Americanisation of planet Earth. Freedom from the Will Smith's, Robin William's David Copperfield's, Ronald Reagan's, and William Shatner's of this World. Evil is as Evil does... It seemed bad at the time and it was for a long time But it was bound to do good in the end No one will be able to do that to me again So you were right, you do live and learn But time will not heal me Not as long as the truth is still inside me Them... God they make me sick. All they do all day is think about themselves, and when anyone else decides to stand up and try and do something positive with their lives they just slag them off. I thought these people were my friends. Aren't they supposed to be happy for me and try and help me along. No. Not if it doesn't fit in with their little clicky gang who never do shit but think of themselves. This would cost you £10 for someone like Mystic Meg to tell you... A look to your future. If you happen to reach a ripe old age then there might possibly come a day when you are the last person left alive that you knew when you were younger. Your family, friends, enemies and heroes are all gone and your left all on your own. Now I didn't charge to tell you that, did I. But some people are gullible enough to actually believe in someone they never ever met before to tell them what might happen in their lives. Take Nostradamus for instance, a French physician from the fifteenth century. Why would you waste anytime with anything he ever said? I mean, who benefits from publishing his crap predictions anyway, not you. People don't even believe the stories that surrounds the death of Diana, which happened only last year. So come on, stop being so silly and use your head. That's a good salesman... I tried to insure my house against aeroplane crashes. The insurance guy just laughed and said that wouldn't be necessary. Two days later I see on the evening news a huge plane crash in Japan killing four hundred people, many in their homes. I thanked the guy in my mind for not wasting my money on crappy insurance. Bastards... I don't care anymore About a lot of things Its a sad shame too I used to be really into some things Now I just think fuck it Fuck it all I've lost my direction in life I'm lost Pub smog... Can't breathe anymore. I always had a morbid fear of drowning but this is fucked up. No clean air. I'm always breathless. The smog is killing me. Crushing my chest so I can't inhale. Laid flat on my face dying. People just continue to abuse my body. Blue face. Battered lungs. I won't live much longer. There's Lies, Damned lies and statistics... I read in the paper that I was dead. I saw on the TV I had taken a drugs overdose. I heard a rumour I'd left town. A little bird told me some people were glad. Maybe its best if I just believe it all and run. Run for my life. Dream of you... Sleep is something I love. But dreaming is something I don't do much of. And dreams of you are even rarer. That's a shame really, to say that I never get to see you anymore. My memory has become like a black hole... and all the good things have fallen into it. Gone forever. I wish I was like other people who say they can control their dreams... you'd be here with me now if I could have it that way. I hardly ever dream anymore. As fire fades... Show me all your imperfections. It's far easier to see what's wrong than what's right these days. I still got scars too... look. The last layers of dust... Look at me... what is it you see? Speak to me... and bitterness comes before my dreams. Feel me... there's no longer a heart within me. Kiss me... what is it you want to feel? Love me... but don't try to save me. Trust me... before you go just say please. Hurt me... take this chance to watch me bleed. Destroy me... take one last look before you leave. Kill me... and return my ashes to the sea. Family fortunes... What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything? A recent survey said: Money 33% Beer 17% Sex 16% Football 11% Drugs 9% Haven't got a clue 8% God 3% To be happy 2% 42 1% Loads more war... We have the head of God And a new saviour on the cross All faith and hope is now lost With the herd pleasing deity crushed Agent of oblivion... All I have is this. All I have is you. And now what? Well... now all I want is to destroy. All I want is to die. Can't you see. It's not really me. All this is a joke. A sick joke and one day I won't wake up and everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Everything will be... Dead Girl... It was so easy once to just lie to myself that I had it all... and nothing else was important. I didn't need anything else. I had you! Then something changed. Now... now... it's like another life has gone by and now I'm just a ghost. A faint shadow of myself. I'm half the man I used to be. I'm weak and in need of something. A new life. Wierdo... God he's so fucking wierd. He pisses me off. Why can't he just get a life and see that no one likes him. Maybe I'll tell him. A quiet word in his ear. I just want be left alone and wish he'd fuck off. Wierdo! V.I.P.R.I.P... Even people who mean something go. We all go. Don't forget that! Haze... That night was so good. It was warm... summer. July. I remember everything. I remember you sitting there, laughing. I remember friends long gone all wanting to be alive. It was a great time. November... Cold, rainy, dark, lonely... best time for the cemetery. One day I'll go there and never want to come back. From planet Earth with love... Humans... they think they know everything don't they. It all revolves around us. We are so fucking important. Get a job! A night in ruins... Sorry... I was drunk. Your black book... I was bored. Sitting there waiting. I decided you were seeing someone else... so I invented this secret boyfriend of yours. He would come round once a week to see you while I was out. He'd do anything for you. He'd give it his best shot. All your fantasies forefilled. He never liked football so... he had a better chance from the start, right. Just an idea... How about we end it all here? Right now. Take as much as we can and just go off into the other side and never come back. No, I know...it was just an idea. License to depart... Go! Just get away from me! I can't believe you just said that. I hate you. I really do! From my coffin... This is my new home. It's great. Ikea won't even fit in here. Sad fuckers. No TV. No noise. No bullshit. No nothing... just me and you. Free... So... run that by me one more time... what's free again? Life starts at... I got to stop this. It's really destroying me. What's it all about anyway. Trying to escape from... what? There's nothing even wrong. It's all so... it's all such self centred bullshit. I just wish I could stop. A Friend is for christmas, not for life... Fuck them... if it's not to their liking then it's not anything... so whatever. Art?... Learn to fucking draw before you talk to me about art! I prefer to travel alone... You never know... you might meet the person of your dreams. The power of hate... OK... decide now... no one likes you anyway so just do it... just do what you have to and then that's it. It's over with. You just got to be true to oneself and no one else can say anything against you. At least you were honest. Dead world... This town. These people. This air I breathe. This stupid fucking world. All of it. It's sick. I'm sick. So sick of it all I'm reduced to moaning about it on my computer. That's how interesting it all is I guess. Hey, it better not be like this in heaven. Come back... Money comes and goes... easy... but life... opportunity... feelings... you can't buy them. They are unreplaceable. Maybe you can pretend... with money... but it's not the real stuff. It's not real! Maze of the mind... Shit... I'm lost again. I should know my way around this place by now... I've lived here all my life. Just keep going and round the next corner I'll probably recognise something to get my bearings back. Gorgon... What the fuck is up with you now? Always going on and complaining about something. I just wish you would deal with it like the rest of us and stop moaning. Can't you see your negative outlook is what's the problem! You need to sort YOUR head out before things will change around here. Fuhrer... Your talents will be recognised and suitably rewarded. With... or without you... I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't even have to ask. I'm strong... stronger than you think... and once this goes too far I just fuck it all off and you'll never see me again. I can get on with my life without your shit. Something I could never have... Some people have it, some don't. Those who can, do - those who can't, teach. Some lead, most follow. But me, I'm lucky... I got money. Fixed fee... OK... so it went like this. I go in there... I agree a price... we go upstairs... get undressed... I can't get a hard on... so we talk for 15 minutes... I pay... apologise... and I leave. Back in the bar an hour later I told everyone it was great and they should try it. No one else had the balls so I guess I'm cooler than them for at least going that far. So I bet now you want to know how much it cost? Best before... Planet Earth... about four and a half million years ago. Still waiting... I read this ad in the paper for someone who wanted to meet new people. To be honest I couldn't tell by the photo if it was male or female. She... as I prefer to see it that way... looked nice... but I wasn't sure. Anyway, I wrote off and that was about a year ago and I've heard nothing back. Maybe I got it wrong? Virgin Mary's milk... Where to find help in time of need. Purity?... We want, we need, we'll take it. Was that OK?... Life has just become the part in between my birth and death. :-)... On the verge of my flight to America being confirmed... a plane crashed. Suddenly and very surely... I felt alive. Like standing on the edge of a cliff... looking down. Do I jump... or what? Ha... fuck it... I went anyway... if you start to think like that all the time then you'd never leave the house again. You'll never learn... Next to a battle lost... the saddest thing... is a battle won. Free... Free... Free... What does Free mean? What can it mean? Not having to pay. Costing nothing. Discharged from arrest or detention. Not following rules or convention. Uncommitted, independent, a free person. All sound good. Free is a good word. Free is a good thing. Freedom. Yeah... Act one... It's cool trying to be an intellectual little prick. You should try it sometime. The worst years of our lives... One day I awoke and decided from then on my life was going to be as interesting as possible. WOW... YEAH! I was gonna do all the things I've ever wanted... starting with telling my friends and family that I love to wear womens underwear and surf the net daily looking for potential sexual encounters with other anonimous perverts, be it women or men! I also decided I was gonna quit my job and travel the world without a care. Ha... who does care anyway... I just wanna live! I can work, do anything... beg or whatever or live like a parasite and then just move on. Hell, I'll even sell my own ass if it gets me to where I'm going. I never understood why people aspire to become boring cunts as soon as possible. I mean, they leave school or university or whatever... and then instantly change into an 'adult'... or something, and that's it for them. They're it! Spend the rest of their lives telling other people all about themselves. Game over. Well fuck that... I'm in it for the ride from now on and I don't give a damn. The only bad thing about living is we only get to do it once. Right! Hollow heart... somebody is very proud of you. somebody is thinking of you. somebody is caring about you. somebody misses you. somebody wants to talk to you. somebody wants to be with you. somebody hopes you aren't in trouble. somebody is thankful for the support you have provided. somebody wants to hold your hand. somebody hopes everything turns out all right. somebody wants you to be happy. somebody admires your strength. somebody is thinking of you and smiling. somebody loves you. Don't look now... Everyone seems to think that when they look up into the sky at night they will see a UFO! Well, ever thought you might be totally looking in the wrong direction? Yeah... like you're standing on one! Millions of years ago Earth was a huge chrome ball... and over time rubbish and space debree collected on the surface, a bit like barnacles on the bottom of a ship. This grew and grew and grew until life appeared... including us. One day Earth will continue it's journey into the unknown... travelling at the speed of light... leaving all this surface scum behind to float into the sun. Stay happy... Sceptical, sarcastic, negative, morbid, nihilistic and worse, a pesimist! Also shy, inward thinking, stubborn, opinionated, sometimes perverted, lazy, know to be arrogant AND a show off. But, confident enough in my own selfish ways, regardless of wether they are any use to anyone else on this planet. And what's more... i'm a drunk with a working class education. I find it hard to experiment outside these boundaries which I place upon myself in fear that I might discover that it is 'I' who has been wrong all this time I have lived. Therefore... mind expanding drugs and any religious experience's are out of the question. A long memory... Life isn't strange at all! Everything is exactly how it seems! No big deal! No conspiracy theory! No big bang! No God! No afterlife! Just... this. Any chance to live again?... When I was young my Mom went to a Tarot reading while we were on holiday. She seemed happy when this person got all the major details correct and with some of the predictions she recieved. This person said her second son, that being me, would grow to be very prosperous. Well, that was 20 years ago now and I just signed on last week! What a load of bollocks then!